have been very much in a rather robotic state these last few days whereby i cannot really distinguish any messy "emotions" or "feelings". somebody in the dead of the night might have hollowed out my heart lungs liver and stomach and replaced them with rows of neatly arranged circuits and capacitors and now they are all just going about doing what electronics do while all my real organs are lying in a pile somewhere feeling sad away from my body. the only constant is the persistent awareness that this is the final run of doing everything that i love. yeah i will be back soon june is only 4 months away half of malaysia is in melbourne but still its surprising how there can suddenly be such a limited supply of time left at home, when once upon a time 6 months felt like it would go on forever. and of course coming home for the holidays is not the same as having never left. there is no more sense of regularity or permanence and no more endless weekends of yf stretched out endlessly from sea to shining sea. and now there's no more the luxury of complaining about duties and having to go early because THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME and some things are better enjoyed. well..maybe it will take a while but eventually the idiosyncrasies of kl life will be replaced by a melbourne life. maybe in 2 years or 3 years i will have forgotten how on tuesdays to drive to pj and put on pointe shoes and go for white coffee with farah and mien. and on fridays to be having worship practice or meetings. and also indomee after ya on thursdays. and how it is absolutely imperative on saturday nights to check who is playing what tomorrow. how to wake up at 7 for church. and to arrange the chairs after yf. and how to take the lrt to school and back. and to stand outside church for at least 30 mins before always eventually deciding on off middle shop. how the viva will always be outside the house and chava must always be de-ticked. and its only a matter of months before im also erased from the deep grooves of habit and then i'll just become a visitor in all these things. sigh. it is perfectly more sensible to be dying to go but at this moment i so very very very dont want to leave home :(